You Created This Feeling

You asked me too many times to go home. Stupidly, I said yes, because I didn’t want to be there.

You asked me too many times to kiss you. Stupidly, I said yes, because I didn’t want to be lonely.

You asked me too many times to get out. Stupidly, I said no, because I didn’t want to talk about you.

I just need you to say what I need to know to get through the pain of not knowing what I did wrong.

You just need to tell me if I deserve not to be with you.

Give me a chance to try again. Tell me what this means to you. Tell me what you need to see. Tell me what I need to do to have a last moment with you. 

I think about you, all day. I cry for you, all day. I’ll suffer for you, all life. Don’t know how but I ended up falling in love with you. Stopped being happy because I’m in love with you.

I need to stay and try to solve what’s ruined. I need to stay and realize what I’m doing. I need you to be fine with me. I need to be alone instead of lonely. I need to be what you want me to be. Because the smiley-face emotion is the new “sincerely yours”. And you keep sending me smiley-face emotions. What am I suppose to think? That you like me? Because God forbid I can’t be happy. I can´t feel loved. I can´t feel special. I can’t feel different. No, I have to be miserable. I have to be nostalgic. I have to be shocked. I have to be broken. I have to be hurt.

So, I think it’s time to say goodbye. I’ve had to say goodbye more times that I would’ve wanted. But everyone can say that. And no matter how many times I do it even when it’s for the greater good, it still stinks. It hurts so much when I have to do it. It’s the worst pain in the world. To know that everything I’ve accomplished, it’s gone. Forever. To know I’ve lost what makes me happy. I feel so empty, so destroyed. And though I’ll never forget what I’ve given up, I owe it to myself to keep moving forward. Because moving forward to insanely expensive private schooling thousand dollar a week nannies and soccer is the new yuppie birth control. What I can’t do is live my life always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are: they’re not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing. When it’s a chance to start over.